Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Client "knowledge"

I have been meaning to do this for a while.

  • Several years ago, we had a client that could afford to have 4 cats, but couldn't afford to have the females spayed. So, the males go neutered and she hoped for the best. Of course, one night one of the female cats got out - and we got the phone call: "Do cats have loud sex?"... because... "She had heard a lot of screaming last night, and she was wondering if her cat was pregnant?"
  • I once had a client call, after hours, that something was terribly wrong with her cat. It was rolling around on the ground and crying "in pain". After asking the age of her UNSPAYED cat, she quickly realized that she was in heat.
  • Last week we had a client come in with an incredible breed of dog! This breed is apparently more intelligent, hardy and wonderful, that I'm not sure if she will need a regular veterinarian anymore. I would STAKE A YEAR'S SALARY that she learned this stuff from an e-mail. Here are the specifics:
  • a) This breed of dog isn't susceptible to ANY illness except for Parvovirus.
  • b) It NEVER will "get worms" because it NEVER sleeps in the same place twice.
  • c) It uses it's dewclaws for FIGHTING, so she was ecstatic that the breeder didn't take them off...
  • d) After whelping the pups, the mother dog kills all the puppies except the strongest male in order to keep the bloodline strong. Begs to wonder how this breed has survived.
  • e) They can acclimate to ANY climate, from -20 degrees F to 100 degrees F.
  • Another veterinarian (whom shall remain nameless!) was speaking with a client and her grandson about flea control. She was only interested in the flea sprays. The doctor, being his usual accommodating self, offered so spray a few so that she could smell them. Wouldn't you know, the first one he sprayed triggered an asthma attack of the grandmother. As she started hyperventilating, the Dr. got very worried, begging that he should call the ambulance - and her grandson (very bored) just looked on. He (about 8 years old) just sat there, saying, "Oh, she just does this all the time..." She recovered fine.
  • We have several cats that live at our clinic. Yesterday, while Petrone was sitting on the counter in the pharmacy, Jessica spotted a needle on the side of his mouth. She pulled on it, and out it came, along with 14 INCHES OF SUTURE MATERIAL that he had swallowed.
  • This is a funny from an old neighbor... Our doorbell rang around 11:30pm on a Saturday night, and Scott found our neighbors at the door. It seems that their cat had caught a baby bunny and it had been pretty injured. As I looked at it in the shoe box, I suggested that since baby rabbits don't do well when injured and get sick so easily, I would put the lid on the box and put it into their closet for the night (somewhere dark and quiet). If it was still alive the next day, they should take it to their veterinarian and have it put to sleep. My neighbor looked me squarely in the eyes and said, "But if I put the lid on the box, how will it breathe?"
  • I had a client tell me recently that her dog didn't need it's shots because it never got sick.
  • After asking another client if his dog was still taking his medication to prevent seizures, he said that he didn't give it anymore, because when the dog was taking it, it never had a seizure. Why should he give it if he wasn't seizing?
  • This week, after having a talk with a client about her pet having either pneumonia or lung cancer, she asked if I would have time to trim her dog's nails while she was there.
  • I had another client in last week, with her dog in terminal heart failure (he ended up dying over the weekend), wanting her dog to get it's rabies shot - it was overdue.
  • Another lady called, complaining that her cat wasn't losing weight on that expensive cat food she was buying from us. When asked how much she was feeding the cat, she didn't know, because it ate from an AUTOMATIC FEEDER.
  • Can I forget the client that told me that if her cat acted up at the office to tell him I would call his Mother, so he would act better?
  • Another client told me that his dog didn't need to be on heartworm prevention in Mexico because there were no mosquitoes in Mexico. That was new to me.
  • One guy (a widower) called and was worried that his dog wasn't producing enough milk for her puppies, so he fed her some cream so that she would make more milk.
  • I can't TELL you how many times I have had a client ask me if feeding their animal milk would give it worms.
  • Can I forget the little old ladies calling, frantic that their fru-fru poodles would get West Nile Virus? I told them I was much more afraid of THEM getting WNV.
  • Dr. B had a client tell her once, after asking them if they planned to neuter their cat, that they didn't believe in interfering with the reproductive rights of their animals. Give me a break.
  • Almost EVERY client tells me that their pet doesn't bite. I had one client tell me after their dog just tried to bite me (and wasn't playing).
  • We had a beagle at the clinic acting like it had gotten into antifreeze (acting drunk). 2 days later the teenage son fessed up that the dog had eaten marijuana cookies he had hidden behind their house.
  • I had a lady once in tears with her dog in the exam room. She said that the dog was standing in the street when she came home -TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE - because she had been promising to take him in for his shots, and hadn't done it.
  • One woman once brought in her 2 new poodle puppies carrying them in "over the shoulder newborn baby holders". I don't think she had any children.
  • The meanest beagle I have ever seen was named "Gracie" and she came in carried with a baby blanket and toys every time she was at the clinic.
  • A client found a bob-tailed kitten while at work and called to ask how big it would get considering it was part bob-cat.
  • (for Sarah) A client had a Great Pyrenees that had bone cancer in his leg. He was spending HUNDREDS of dollars on this supplement that had PURE GOLD added that would CURE his cancer. Yep. He saw it on the Internet.
  • Another client has a dog with cancer in it's mouth (it looks like it, but we haven't biopsied it). She had read on the Internet that there is a "Dr. Blah Blah Blah" that uses a chemo injection that is injected directly into the lesion once weekly for 8 weeks, and it would CURE the cancer. She was ready to try it. I explained that while we were not opposed to trying things, many chemo drugs are cost prohibitive, and we also needed to biopsy the lesion to confirm exactly what it was - so that we would know if the chemo would work on it. "How much is the biopsy?" she asked. I replied, "Maybe around $100.00 for everything". "Oh I don't think my husband will go for that" she said, "But please check into the price for the injections". Guess how much they are??? Try $2,300 PER INJECTION. I left her a message at home about the price and she never returned my call.
  • There is a dog at the clinic recovering from bladder stone surgery. After telling the owner that the dog could go home today, she (very seriously) replied that she had an important meeting tomorrow, and that she just COULDN'T SLEEP ON THE FLOOR with the dog tonight, could she please just pick her up tomorrow?
  • Another person called (not our client but probably will be) today and said that her dog was having seizure because it ate chicken bones. Every time the dog strained to poop (because of the bones) it had a seizure. She called her regular veterinarian, who told her that it was a brain malfunction, but she didn't believe him. She is certain it is from the chicken bones and she wanted a second opinion - yeah, we'll be seeing her tomorrow...
  • I had a client in an exam room this summer that had an itchy dog. And, she was itchy. This particular client, I believe, is like Sophia Patrillo on the Golden Girls. She has lost her ability to censor what comes out of her mouth. Anyways, she went on a tirate of profanity that got me so tickled that I had to leave the room. Meanwhile, while my assistant was in there (left to the wolves by myself, I might add), she procedes to ask him what the bumps were on her that were so itchy: bedbugs or fleas. He didn't know (he is only 19 for goodness sakes). After I regained my composure, I went back into the room, and she then asked me what I thought the bumps were (after lifting part of her shirt up in different ways). I told her I thought they were flea bites, seeing the fleas on her dog. She then turned around and slapped my assistant on the back and said, "Why didn't you TELL me they were flea bites!!!"
  • I had a dog come in that was limping on it's back leg. In fact it wouldn't put it's leg down. When I told her what was wrong, I said I would get up some pain meds for it. The owner then told me that the dog wasn't painful - that she had pushed and prodded on the knee and the dog never cried. I then told her that if the knee didn't hurt, she would be walking on it, right? She reluctantly agreed.


Tammy said...

I do enjoy reading these!! I can't believe people are that, umm, naive? (I was trying to put it nicely!)

Sarah said...

Oh my---thanks for the laughs!!! I so miss working at the vet clinic when I read those!! Remember that guy who had a really big dog (maybe a great pyrenese sp? I am not sure if it was that breed or not) the dog was really sick with terminal cancer and he had bought that gold powder (extremely expensive) stuff to try and help him, then he was trying to POUR it into a syringe instead of suck it up into the syringe to get it down him. He said he didn't want to try to suck it up in the syringe because he wasn't sure he would get it all and it was very expensive, so it was better to pour, as he was wiping off the sides of the syringe with a rag he brought with him??? Crazy. I miss those crazy stories. Great conversation pieces...

Sylvia said...

Since I had Dolly in to the clinic, I was looking to see if any of these were about us! Seriously, remember I told you that you needed to keep a record of these. It will make a great book one day. Keep them coming!

sweeter and the bubbas said...

I think number 14 anad 17 take the cake. AMAZING. How do you keep a straight face?

jennwa said...

My husband has a lot of stories like that too. I am glad he is the only one that gets the odd clients.

People are so funny.

Kelly said...

I see we have mutual friends - I am also friends w/the Wakefields. I read your blog occasionally and I LOVED this post. TOOOOO funny! Thanks for sharing!

Rebecca said...

I was going to comment on which one was my favorite, but there a bunch of doozies!

Anonymous said...

UNBELIEVABLE! Bet you rarely have a dull day at the office do you?

Aunt J

Louise said...

Kristi-these are hilarious!!! They made me laugh so hard!! I don't think I could ever not just laugh right in these peoples face!!! I just need to remember this when I take Titus to the vet! I don't want to be a crazy animal person... :)

angie said...

Those were great. I could probably have the same list for our clients. Some people are just SOOOO Clueless.

Leslie said...

These are so funny! I loved the one where the lady thought her dog was trying to commit suicide!

Patients always tell me funny things to. I hear this all the time. The patient has some family member who had three sets of baby teeth before their adult teeth came in.

I also had a patient tell me his Uncle cured his "pyorea" (aka: Periodontal disease)by swishing kerosene everyday. I asked him if it is still working for his Uncle and he replied, "He's dead now."

Leah said...

These are so funny! I'm with Allison, though, 14 & 17 are the funniest!!

Sorry I didn't get to chat with you last night, I turned around to come back there and you guys were walking out! (that's what I get for running my mouth!) I wanted to tell you that your hair look especially good last night!

ICURIS said...

hey sis! i finally got my blogger account reactivated! woohoo!

these are great! brooke said that she might know about #9...she said that "lysteria" is in alot of animal milk...something like that. i'll have to let her explain it. :)

be watching my blogsite (icuris.blogspot.com)...i'm gonna try to keep it updated now!

love ya,

Melissa Lester said...

Those are hilarious, Kristi! And the comment shared about the man who swished kerosene -- unbelievable! Wow, sometimes we should think before we speak (or put chemicals in our mouths).

Liz said...

What is so funny??!!! Maybe the dog had just had enough and was ready to end it all! Just kidding. I guess sometimes you just have to be thankful for the laugh you get from crazy people!!!

jessica said...

those comments are even funnier when you hear them straight from the horse's mouth, well i shuoldn't insult horses intellegence like that...but those comments are especially funny when you know the clients!!!!

jessica said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jessica said...

you forgot the one about the client who says, "just sing "Jesus Loves Me to him, and he'll calm down" The client was referring to her cat who's only goal in life is to take off the fingers of anyone who tries to touch him.

Lerra said...

Oh my goodness - these are hilarious!!

Laura McCann said...

My second fave is "I just can't sleep on the floor with him tonight", but my all time fave is the dog trying to commit suicide! Hil-lar-i- ous!!!!!