Tuesday, December 15, 2009

For me

Yesterday was a hard day. I am putting this to paper so that I can feel better. I am not going to elaborate on the events, but it just was a hard day. And, let me just say it has nothing to do with Scott.

Since a teenager, I have always felt an incredible need to be trusted. I guess that also comes with the personality to try to be right all the time. I feel like I am not trusted, and that hurts. That someone should believe me, and doesn't, hurts. This someone knows me pretty well and I feel like should believe me. No matter how ridiculous the story sounds.

And, somehow, I feel like our relationship will never be the same. That this will be forever held against me. No matter how many times I'm sorry is said. How do you recover from that? Is there a way?

I want to scream "I'M A CHRISTIAN!" I made a mistake. I didn't understand what was going on, and I made a mistake. But, I would never intentionally undermine or hurt anyone. And, I can see the pent up anger. Expressing it's self in other ways. I just wonder how long I will have to endure this. I have always tried to be so honest. I feel like I am someone who could be trusted. Now, I am stained, and I wonder if I'll ever be clean again.

I guess time will tell. And I will have to weather this. This storm. I am fighting the urge to stop going above and beyond. That I will forever be looked at with suspicion if I do. I don't want this to be the beginning of the end. But, I guess that I have no control over that, either.

I sure have been thinking a lot about heaven lately. I am so thankful for God's unwavering love. Today, I am thankful for His forgiveness. That He doesn't hold my sins over my head. That He forgives and forgets - that He doesn't remember. As long as I am faithfully following Him. Thank you Lord for all you have done for me.